I hate work.

There, I said it.

Feeling pretty good!

Ah, what a relief it is to be feeling better. I truly thought I was going to feel nausea the rest of my existence on this planet and it was not fun, not one little bit.

Even though I've seen the little critter moving about in my tummy and have even heard it kick, I still don't believe it's really in there or even alive. But I keep getting bigger, and so I assume everything's ok. I go for my next appointment next week and hope to get referred to have another sonogram so we can learn if it's a boy or girly-gurl!

Exciting!

Getting bigger...

Four months pregnant. They say I should be able to tell the sex of the baby by now, but I thought I had to wait until I was at least 20 weeks...this is exciting. I'm going to try to get an appointment for this week.

Made whole wheat chocolate chip cookies last night. Actually, I made a pretty damn good meal all together. Chicken and rice, stir-fried zucchini, and then the cookies, of course.

I have an official bump now. My students say I don't look that big, but what do they know? It's definitely there and I can see it. I've been walking with Sean a lot and it has felt really good. My appetite is sooo back and that feels good, too. They say the second tri-mester feels wonderful and I'm really looking forward to that, seeing as I've felt like hammered shit for a good 8 weeks now.

I keep thinking about what the birth is going to be like, but I hear it WILL NOT be anything like I imagine or even plan for. So what am I supposed to do, I wonder. I squat a lot. They say to practice that, and that's the only thing I know to do to prepare, besides eat well and exercise. I'm reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", too. Right now I'm just reading birthing stories. I wouldn't say they're "inspiring", because not a one has said, "Ina made it soooo easy for me!". However, what I am getting from those stories is that women get through it. They actually do it. It hurts, it's hard work, but they do it and they survive. So I guess I can, too. Because I'm scared, people. I'm pretty damn scared.

Creeeeeepy!

Had my first baby dream last night and it went something like this:

I learned I was having a boy via a thin strip of white paper with the words, "It's a Boy!!" printed on it. I thought, well alright then, there you have it. However, after the child was born, it actually turned out to be a girl, and little Stella Grace was in my arms, cute as can be. Later in the dream, little Stella had a mangled mouth and nose which someone kept telling me, "Oh, they can fix that, no problem" so I thought, well okay, she'll be alright and normal with just a simple surgery. She also had really gnarley toes with awfully large and yellow toe nails. I accidentally pulled off her pinky toe then proceeded to try to push it back on her foot. Poor little Stella did not like that. After a while, I realized that I had placed her aside somewhere (you know how dreams are - you don't really know where things go, they just go somewhere...) because she was heavy and I didn't have my baby sling or whatever it's called to carry her around with me, nor did I care to look at her. She kind of scared me. Then I woke up.

Walkin'

First day of exercise yesterday and Sean walked with me on Town Lake, excuse me, "Lady Bird Lake". We did the three mile loop and it was rough at first, but we didn't stop and I felt really good after. All this weight gain has really been getting to me as I've reached my limit on how much I'm supposed to gain. I wouldn't normally care, but I just feel uncomfortable. I wonder if it's okay to loose a few pounds or if I even can. I know it's unhealthy to loose too much, as you're supposed to gain for the baby's sake, but man, when I'm having to buy new underwear, size LARGE, then that to me is a sign I need to work out the old rear-end. We topped off our walk with some Wahoo's, where I had a veggie enchilada, brown rice and black beans. And Sean wanted to take me to Mighty Fine burger....bad, bad man...

Today, another 3 miler with Sean, then veggie spaghetti and salad...let's see how I do.

I love Southside Pizza. That along with a Ceasar Salad made my day yesterday. Had a hard one at work. Learned that our superintendent will cut back on art and music next year, (nice!), which makes it even clearer I'm not teaching next year!!

I need to start walking, swimming, doing yoga and laying off the sugar and white flour. How come I can't do any of those things???

Baby growing, I can feel the pangs lately. Can't wait until my next appointment to hear the heartbeat and listen to him/her kick again. :)

Lovin' this rain...

It's pouring outside, finally, here in this hot Texas town, and I have all the windows open, AC off, lyin' in bed with my kitty, while Sean soundly sleeps. This is one of my favorite states of being - having the day off when it's raining, early morning quiet, no sounds, just my fingers clicking on the laptop keyboard and the sound of this lovely and much needed rain.

Having such a hard time at work lately and I'm not enjoying it at all this year like I did last year. I'm trying to stay positive and have fun with the kids, but the bureaucracy is making it difficult and has got me questioning where I'm going with all this and what do I really want to do. Of course, this is a question I struggle with frequently, because, well, that's what I like to do is something different. What is bringing me most joy these days is the baby in my tummy and this last week brought a pretty cool experience.

Thursday I met with June, one of the midwives who'll help me deliver at home, and she and I listened to the baby kick on the Doppler. What a sound! She was giggling at how active it was, and I was outright hysterical with laughter. I had seen it moving when Sean and I went to the last sonogram, but to HEAR it put a completely different spin on it all. It made it all the more real to me, and I just felt like I bonded even closer with my baby. The sonogram the previous week was in preparation for the First Screen test to check for Downs and any other genetic diseases. When the results came back I learned that I have only a 1 in 203 chance of having a baby with Downs and only a 1 in 10,000 chance of having a baby with any other genetic disease. Those results made me very very happy and so I've opted not to go through with the Amnio. My baby is fine, no matter what. And I'm so happy and grateful for that. I just love it so much already. This is weird...but in a good way.

So, this little critter is what keeps me going right now. Despite the cave that I have to work in and the paper work and crap I have to do because come March, it will all be over, and I'll be a mom, taking care of a little one, and that will be my new job.