No time to think of a title.

I hate trying to come up with a title for these blogs...

So it's 9 AM and Stella Grace is still fast asleep. I have gotten dressed, washed my face, put on some make-up, made breakfast AND eaten it, taken my vitamins, and started the dishwasher. I feel like I should be trying to sleep to, but the truth is we've got a busy day today starting at 10.

Today we're headed to our first Attachment Parenting meeting. I'm a little nervous. I'm a bit weary of getting into any kind of parenting style/concept/ideals because of the preasure I'm already feeling to "do it perfect". I'm afraid this might just be one more thing to add to my long list of guilt about things I should be doing as a parent. However, because of the irritability I've been experiencing lately I think an AP meeting is the perfect place to be.

More later as SG has wokwn up...

She's fast asleep...

Immediately after my last blog post I went to my crying little angel and told her all I knew to say: that it's not ok for her to pacify me, that I want so desperately to be able to care and soothe her, and that I was sorry I lose my patience with her. I told her I know she's only 6 weeks old, but I feel like everything I try to do to make her feel like she's back in the womb doesn't work and that I simply don't know what to do anymore. She was calm for most of this, looking into my eyes so lovingly as if she understood every word I was saying. Then, of course the guilt set in. Until she started to wail again. So, I picked her sawddled little body up and put her on her side and she got quiet.

Of course, by the time I started to type this, she began to whimper again. So I reluctantly started the shshing and the jiggling. It worked. She calmed down. I continued doing this in the bedroom until I felt she was asleep. I just now put her down, and she's been there without crying for two whole minutes!!

I'll keep you posted...

The unhappiest mother on the block

I hate this book: "The Happiest Baby on the Block". As I write this my daughter, who I am so in love with, lay in my bed, crying her little heart out, because I won't let her pacify my boob. She's well full, that's a fact, and she wants to sleep on my breast. I cannot take it anymore. I'm done with it. My husband is not here tonight, so it's just me and Stella Grace. I've tried every damn trick I know, every one in that stupid book, I've tried the wrap, the swaddle, the shhhhh, the swing, the side, the bounce, the suck (my boob AND a pacifier), the walk, and all she does is root and want the boob. When I put her on it, she just falls asleep. When I take it out of her mouth, she wakes up wailing and wanting it back. My nipples are on FIRE, and I can't even pee because I've got this baby on my boob who's been there for two hours. So now I want to shake her, strangle her, throw her against the wall. Yes, I want to do this to my darling little angel who I so desperately want to protect, make happy, soothe, etc. AND I CAN'T. I just can't. Nothing works but the boob.

I'm a horrible mom. Here I am letting her just lay there and cry. I go to get her, she's calm for a minute, then she demands boob again.

I give up. If you have any suggestions, please send them my way. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to leave her there crying alone in the dark. I need help. And I don't know what to do.

Good night.