Who am I?

Reading old blog entries is worthwhile. Being a mom has really sent me into another place of "me", a foreign, unfamiliar, yet exciting space of my life. However, I have been curious lately as to who the hell I was before I got here because caring for a baby, another little human being, is not what I do naturally. I'm truly out of my element and I feel I've conformed so much that I've no idea who I am or was. So I went back and read some old entries, from the wedding, from the jewelry making, from getting knocked up, and I realized that I am so different now, yet I yearn for that part of me that was pre-baby. Where the hell am I?

I'm missing making jewelry. When I got pregnant and would talk to people about possibly leaving teaching and raising a child at home, they would say, "How wonderful! You can make your jewelry now!". WRONG. How in THE HELL can I possibly sit at my bench and solder, file, polish, etc, with a baby in the house, one that will not lay down alone for a nap, one who needs so much attention and connection from me so often that I can barely pee? What was I, and everyone else, for that matter, thinking?? I went out to my bench yesterday and it is in such disarray, which I love, that I got overwhelmed and depressed. I miss the chaos of my bench, all the little pieces everywhere, the silver dust, the tools strung out all over the place, all signs of works in progress. Now the dust is really just dust, the tools are starting to rust, and the little pieces just look like remnants of the past. Pooey. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get back to it again. I don't know how I would.

I have no solution for this. Just needed to get in out and send it into cyberspace for the universe to deal with. Maybe some answers will come my way if I just let it go and make space for something else.

It never fails...

I swear, this breastfeeding thing is magical. And if I were wordsy, I would describe it better. Here's what happens, I'm asleep. Stella is asleep. I wake up for no reason - no noise, no pain, no dream, nothing. BUT, the feeders are soaking and let down is happening. Next, Miss S awakens so it's time to feed. She and the girls got some kind of telepathic thing going because it never fails. It's like clockwork - it's magical, really. I think it's pretty damn cool.

Things are progressing along here at the Dickson household. Stella is now 10 weeks old and cooing like crazy, smiling more and more each day, and she's discovered her legs and that kicking them around feels really good! We're getting the hang of each other and I think I'm beginning to get when she's tired. She and I have taken some killer naps lately and I thank her for that. I'm finally getting some much needed rest and sleep, which makes my job so much easier...and fun!

The summer is here, Sean and I are now off, and we are looking forward to having fun with Stella. It's hot as hell, so I'm hoping for lots of pool time. Stella will have her first swim this coming Sunday, and frankly, I'm a little nervous! What diapers do I use? Will she have enough sunscreen on? Should I get her a hat? Will I drop her in the water? All will be fine. We'll have a good time.

I need to get some pictures up here, I know. I wish it were faster to do so, and although I'm sitting here ON MY OWN (yes! Baby and Daddy are both sound asleep!), I just don't feel like going through all the motions of getting some images up...but now that I said that, I think I'll try.

Me and Miss Stella (two months) having a chat.



My gorgeous baby girl. I'm in love with her.