Who am I?

Reading old blog entries is worthwhile. Being a mom has really sent me into another place of "me", a foreign, unfamiliar, yet exciting space of my life. However, I have been curious lately as to who the hell I was before I got here because caring for a baby, another little human being, is not what I do naturally. I'm truly out of my element and I feel I've conformed so much that I've no idea who I am or was. So I went back and read some old entries, from the wedding, from the jewelry making, from getting knocked up, and I realized that I am so different now, yet I yearn for that part of me that was pre-baby. Where the hell am I?

I'm missing making jewelry. When I got pregnant and would talk to people about possibly leaving teaching and raising a child at home, they would say, "How wonderful! You can make your jewelry now!". WRONG. How in THE HELL can I possibly sit at my bench and solder, file, polish, etc, with a baby in the house, one that will not lay down alone for a nap, one who needs so much attention and connection from me so often that I can barely pee? What was I, and everyone else, for that matter, thinking?? I went out to my bench yesterday and it is in such disarray, which I love, that I got overwhelmed and depressed. I miss the chaos of my bench, all the little pieces everywhere, the silver dust, the tools strung out all over the place, all signs of works in progress. Now the dust is really just dust, the tools are starting to rust, and the little pieces just look like remnants of the past. Pooey. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get back to it again. I don't know how I would.

I have no solution for this. Just needed to get in out and send it into cyberspace for the universe to deal with. Maybe some answers will come my way if I just let it go and make space for something else.