Who am I?

Reading old blog entries is worthwhile. Being a mom has really sent me into another place of "me", a foreign, unfamiliar, yet exciting space of my life. However, I have been curious lately as to who the hell I was before I got here because caring for a baby, another little human being, is not what I do naturally. I'm truly out of my element and I feel I've conformed so much that I've no idea who I am or was. So I went back and read some old entries, from the wedding, from the jewelry making, from getting knocked up, and I realized that I am so different now, yet I yearn for that part of me that was pre-baby. Where the hell am I?

I'm missing making jewelry. When I got pregnant and would talk to people about possibly leaving teaching and raising a child at home, they would say, "How wonderful! You can make your jewelry now!". WRONG. How in THE HELL can I possibly sit at my bench and solder, file, polish, etc, with a baby in the house, one that will not lay down alone for a nap, one who needs so much attention and connection from me so often that I can barely pee? What was I, and everyone else, for that matter, thinking?? I went out to my bench yesterday and it is in such disarray, which I love, that I got overwhelmed and depressed. I miss the chaos of my bench, all the little pieces everywhere, the silver dust, the tools strung out all over the place, all signs of works in progress. Now the dust is really just dust, the tools are starting to rust, and the little pieces just look like remnants of the past. Pooey. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get back to it again. I don't know how I would.

I have no solution for this. Just needed to get in out and send it into cyberspace for the universe to deal with. Maybe some answers will come my way if I just let it go and make space for something else.

It never fails...

I swear, this breastfeeding thing is magical. And if I were wordsy, I would describe it better. Here's what happens, I'm asleep. Stella is asleep. I wake up for no reason - no noise, no pain, no dream, nothing. BUT, the feeders are soaking and let down is happening. Next, Miss S awakens so it's time to feed. She and the girls got some kind of telepathic thing going because it never fails. It's like clockwork - it's magical, really. I think it's pretty damn cool.

Things are progressing along here at the Dickson household. Stella is now 10 weeks old and cooing like crazy, smiling more and more each day, and she's discovered her legs and that kicking them around feels really good! We're getting the hang of each other and I think I'm beginning to get when she's tired. She and I have taken some killer naps lately and I thank her for that. I'm finally getting some much needed rest and sleep, which makes my job so much easier...and fun!

The summer is here, Sean and I are now off, and we are looking forward to having fun with Stella. It's hot as hell, so I'm hoping for lots of pool time. Stella will have her first swim this coming Sunday, and frankly, I'm a little nervous! What diapers do I use? Will she have enough sunscreen on? Should I get her a hat? Will I drop her in the water? All will be fine. We'll have a good time.

I need to get some pictures up here, I know. I wish it were faster to do so, and although I'm sitting here ON MY OWN (yes! Baby and Daddy are both sound asleep!), I just don't feel like going through all the motions of getting some images up...but now that I said that, I think I'll try.

Me and Miss Stella (two months) having a chat.



My gorgeous baby girl. I'm in love with her.

No time to think of a title.

I hate trying to come up with a title for these blogs...

So it's 9 AM and Stella Grace is still fast asleep. I have gotten dressed, washed my face, put on some make-up, made breakfast AND eaten it, taken my vitamins, and started the dishwasher. I feel like I should be trying to sleep to, but the truth is we've got a busy day today starting at 10.

Today we're headed to our first Attachment Parenting meeting. I'm a little nervous. I'm a bit weary of getting into any kind of parenting style/concept/ideals because of the preasure I'm already feeling to "do it perfect". I'm afraid this might just be one more thing to add to my long list of guilt about things I should be doing as a parent. However, because of the irritability I've been experiencing lately I think an AP meeting is the perfect place to be.

More later as SG has wokwn up...

She's fast asleep...

Immediately after my last blog post I went to my crying little angel and told her all I knew to say: that it's not ok for her to pacify me, that I want so desperately to be able to care and soothe her, and that I was sorry I lose my patience with her. I told her I know she's only 6 weeks old, but I feel like everything I try to do to make her feel like she's back in the womb doesn't work and that I simply don't know what to do anymore. She was calm for most of this, looking into my eyes so lovingly as if she understood every word I was saying. Then, of course the guilt set in. Until she started to wail again. So, I picked her sawddled little body up and put her on her side and she got quiet.

Of course, by the time I started to type this, she began to whimper again. So I reluctantly started the shshing and the jiggling. It worked. She calmed down. I continued doing this in the bedroom until I felt she was asleep. I just now put her down, and she's been there without crying for two whole minutes!!

I'll keep you posted...

The unhappiest mother on the block

I hate this book: "The Happiest Baby on the Block". As I write this my daughter, who I am so in love with, lay in my bed, crying her little heart out, because I won't let her pacify my boob. She's well full, that's a fact, and she wants to sleep on my breast. I cannot take it anymore. I'm done with it. My husband is not here tonight, so it's just me and Stella Grace. I've tried every damn trick I know, every one in that stupid book, I've tried the wrap, the swaddle, the shhhhh, the swing, the side, the bounce, the suck (my boob AND a pacifier), the walk, and all she does is root and want the boob. When I put her on it, she just falls asleep. When I take it out of her mouth, she wakes up wailing and wanting it back. My nipples are on FIRE, and I can't even pee because I've got this baby on my boob who's been there for two hours. So now I want to shake her, strangle her, throw her against the wall. Yes, I want to do this to my darling little angel who I so desperately want to protect, make happy, soothe, etc. AND I CAN'T. I just can't. Nothing works but the boob.

I'm a horrible mom. Here I am letting her just lay there and cry. I go to get her, she's calm for a minute, then she demands boob again.

I give up. If you have any suggestions, please send them my way. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to leave her there crying alone in the dark. I need help. And I don't know what to do.

Good night.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, Miss Stella Grace Dickson

Here's how it went (note: this is an email I sent to my yoga instructor):

"Hello, Lisa. Just wanted to fill you in on the birth of my daughter...

Stella Grace Dickson was born on Monday, March 22, at 3:48 in the morning, after a grueling 28 hours or so of labor. She weighed 7 lbs, 13 oz, and measured 19" long. She's absolutely beautiful!

I wish I was writing you with an amazing story of how I birthed at home and everything went fabulous, that all the preparations we made for a home birth paid off, that the experience was beautiful, magical and perfect. Unfortunately or not, depending on how one looks at it, I am now one of the examples of how no matter what type of birth you plan for, sometimes things work out differently. However, while the birth experience was rough for me in many ways, the outcome has still been a blessing far greater that what I could have ever hoped for.

I went into labor on Sat. evening around 11. My midwife, told me to get some rest and call her when the contractions were 5 mins. apart. They were strong enough during the night to keep me up, so needless to say, I got NO rest, and by the time I was in active labor, I had been awake 24 hours and I was already exhausted. By Sunday evening, I was completely worn out, because my contractions went from 3 minutes apart to 10 minutes apart - I had regressed, even after hanging out in the birth pool and walking around the block several times in an effort to try to speed things up. In addition, Stella Grace had turned and was facing UP rather than down, which didn't help matters. No matter how much we tried to turn her, she just wouldn't budge. So, by midnight I chose to take the step I had tried so hard to not let happen - I went to the ER.

At St. David's (where I was born, by the way), they gave me an epidural (RELIEF!), and then started the Pitocin. After one hour, I had not dialated at all, and the nurse didn't like what the Pit was doing to Stella's heart beat. They took me off the Pit to see if it would help, but because I hadn't dilated any, chances are it was time for a C-Section (My worst nightmare). Within 2 minutes, they were back in the room, prepping me to be rushed off to the C-Section room. By this time, I was so exhausted, disappointed, and scared, I didn't even care if I saw my daughter ever or not...not a good place to be mentally. However, once they got her out and I heard her cries, my mind and emotional state turned for the better and I lost it in a flood of tears of relief that she was alive. She was so healthy, fat cheeks, great wail, and simply beautiful. She was also, as predicted by my midwife and confirmed by the surgery, face up. Having the C-Section pretty much saved her little life.

She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And while my worst nightmare throughout my pregnancy of having a C-Section came true, I knew I had truly birthed in awareness and in the end made the right decision. I will even say that the care I have been given at St. David's has been amazing. While I don't fully agree with everything I'm told at the hospital, I have learned quite a bit about who I want to be as a mom and what my core values are. Besides, the outcome, my beautiful, healthy daughter, is a blessing far greater than what I could have ever planned for. One never knows what the universe has in store, and I just feel so overjoyed with it all, despite what I had to go through. I am also so grateful for the fact that the medical attention I received was available to me at all, and that I chose only used it in a case of emergency.

I miss all the ladies in yoga! I hope to "reunite" with at least some of them in prenatal yoga in a couple of months or so. I hope to see you there, too, as I'm so happy I took your classes. I feel like I've made some great friends and connections there that I'd like to continue to foster. Taking the classes helped me get through the whole process because I was able to stay focused and aware. Thanks to you for that, Lisa.

Tell them all I said hello and for the first time moms, no matter what the outcome of their births, no matter what they have to do to get there, it's all worth it as long as they can stay aware, because babies rock!!

Hope to stay in touch and to see you soon. Would love to meet that Miss Josephine of yours one day...

Cristina Coro-Dickson
Lola Riera Jewelry
www.lolariera.com
http://lolariera.supermarkethq.com
www.lolariera.etsy.com

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Pictures to come as soon as I get home from the hospital!

Hello, I think I might be in labor.

OK. I've been having Braxon Hicks all day long. First of all, before I continue, let me just say today is March 20th, the last day of Pisces, the first day of spring, and my personal due date for Stella Grace. I desperately wanted her to be a Pisces, and I didn't realize until my little meltdown this morning that I had whole heartedly banked on that. I know star signs sounds silly to some folks. But I have so many wonderful girlfriends in my life who are Pisces that I was really hoping Stella Grace would end up one, too. They're just such cool ladies: Lisa, Emily, Altamira, Erin, Sara, and I might be forgetting a few more, there are so many in my life. So when I didn't go into labor yesterday or today, I knew it was "over". Stella will be an Aries. And that is that. I will love her for who she is, but I had to have my meltdown in order to get to this place of acceptance.

Right at this very moment, she is kicking like a mad woman. I mean, moving and rolling like crazy! As far as the labor stuff goes, I have had about three contractions today that have felt un-ordinary, not like your average Braxton Hicks. But I'm so disillusioned today that I am not taking them seriously at all. Instead, I have made a few little velcro pouches to carry stuff in for her, like pacifiers, wipes, extra diapers: all from the Lotta Jansdotter book, "Sewing For Baby". I've made just about everything in there but am waiting on the dresses and pants until Stella is a little bigger. Or born, for that matter. After that, I watched about 4 episodes of Dexter, then got to work on her nursery. Finally took the bed down, brought in the glider and dresser, put the changing pad on it, hung up the paper lanterns, and I think it's looking pretty cute. Can't wait to get pictures up.

Should I be timing these contractions? Whoa, here goes another one...feels like a menstrual cramp and it's shooting around to the back, but it didn't last long at all. No biggie.

Back to her star sign: one thing that consoled me today was when I realized that if I were to have scheduled a C-Section (which actually crossed my mind, I was so upset), that that would be controlling her little soul. Not allowing her to come into this world on her own time would be like stepping in the way of God's plan for her. Who am I to decide that? The Tibetans believe that a child comes into the world when the star under which they are to be born is shining bright. If I induce labor or deliberately have a C-Section, I would be messin' with the universe. I don't want to do that. And Stella would be a lie. She wouldn't have really been a Pisces, no matter what.
At least that's how I see it. This made me feel better, to remember that there is a plan, a bigger plan that I could ever imagine or hope for her to have.

So, here I am, 40 weeks and 4 days, and counting...soon to be counting contractions, I hope!